Don’t die before you have created a soul; otherwise nothing will survive the death. Crystallize your being so that death cannot destroy it. But you are not born with it, you have to create it.
~ G.I. Gurdjieff
I know you know what you’re doing to me
I know my hands will never be free
I know what it’s like to be in chains
The way you move
Is meant to haunt me
The way you move
To tempt and taunt me
I know you knew on the day you were born
I know somehow I should’ve been warned
I know I walk every midnight to dawn in chains
” And if you’re rough and ready for love
Honey I’m tougher than the rest
If you’re rough enough for love
Baby I’m tougher than the rest ”
Bruce Springsteen - Tougher than the rest
I haven’t written a post for quite a time.
To be honest I haven’t been even logged into tumblr since now.
Times goes by so quickly that I find hard to enjoy it.
Dad went through his third surgery, I keep feeding everyone in the house with my 500$ salary, joined University - Starting with it in October, still loveless, partially friendless.
So nothing really changerd in the past few months.
The routine is consuming me. Well at least I started to make some future plans.
As we’re broke and live out of town we’re forcing to sell our 150 square metres house for buying a little one in the city so dad will be able to hang around and see people, mum’ll be able to find a seasonal job and i’ll be able to be free.
Planning to have my driving license done - both for car and motorcycle. Than buy a motorcycle - chopper and live my life free as a butterfly. Go on biker meetings, find a guy who likes the same. I’ve always been that kind of girl. the one who’d rather be stucked in leatherpants than in a long dress.
Why change for people who’ll never be able to love me like I truly am.. That’s ridiculous. I’ve decided that I want to love myself. To start to love myself. That’s the only way leading to a life achievement. Or at least that’s my opinion. You may or not agree with me.
I’m excercising daily, so i’m loosing weight and trying to forge my body in something better. The fact that I can wear gothic corsets now is a good motivation to go ahead with it ;).
I was born to become somebody. Through the last past years I always let people overcome me and stomp on my dreams destroying them into billions of unassemblable pieces. I’ve turned the page now. I am the one fighting for her right now. I’ll not allowed anyone to destroy something I haven’t created yet. I’m moving forward step by step and noone’ll ever pull me back from that ladder.
I feel that I’m becoming stronger and I know I’m supposed to do great things and I truly intend to achieve them. For my lovely family.. For myself. For all the ones who’ve never stopped to believe in me.
I really love you all! And I miss to talk to you guys! Please feel free to message me on twitter and we can exchange our skype and have long and funny talks like we used to!
Sending you all a big warm hug.. cause sometimes a guh is better than thousands of words.. Xo
When I am silent,
I fall into the place where everything is music.
If you’ve asked me a few months ago:
“Are you ever gonna be happy again? Are you ever gonna be able to like someone else?”
I would have told you:
“Are you crazy? I can’t imagine a second without him. I wouldn’t be able to live knowing he’s not in my life. He’s everything I have.”
That’s what I would have said. I would … Cause now I would not.
Days go by..People change.. And so do I.
When I think about it … He’s never been all that I had. Actually … He’s never been anything as I’ve never had him. He’d never given me that opportunity. It was impossible for him to let me love him the way I wanted to, to be with him like all the other lovers do, to take care of our relationship like normal people do.
I’ve always been his golden reserve. The one who had always waited for few minutes of fame when the lights around the big ones went down.
When I look at my past self..I usually see me like a walking inflatable sex doll.. with a loving heart thou…
I’m not ashamed of what I did, ‘cause everything I’ve done.. Was done cause I was deeply, madly in love with him.
I’ll not regret the 4 years I’ve spent crying, loving, hurting, smiling … Those years have made me in who I am now. A strong (but still vulnerable) woman ready to go ahead.
We fought.. We deleted ourselves from all the internet pages and ways of communications. I don’t need him anymore.
I don’t need pain, disrespect , cheats… That’s not the point of love.
I’ve made peace with my past… And I’m truly loving my present now. Loving it so much that I can freely watch someone else without feeling guilty.
“I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second or third or fourth. But I remember the first moment I looked at you walking toward me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
“There are no impossible dreams
There are no invisible seams
Each night when the day is through
I don’t ask much
I just want you”
—Ozzy Osbourne - I just want you
A “Hi” from the Mediterranean - Adriatic Coast … Rovinj,Croatia
Nothing’s better than the wind to your back, the sun in front of you, and your friends beside you.
—Aaron Douglas Trimble